seems to me that life is full of choices defined by what i feel i need vs. what i have. also seems to me that i’m the only one that can make what i need into the tangible, secure reality i crave. i’ve looked lotsa places for that security, invested in many things and people outside of myself to supply it, but when i lay my body down to rest in it, i always seem to fall through to the cold, hard ground. i grew up being taught many skewed though universal truths about this very idea, centered around another force outside of myself, namely almighty god. my training taught me to abdicate my unworthy will to this being who is greater than i, trusting that said action would supply my heart and soul with all that i perceived as lacking. like a fine jihadist, i pursued this discipline with faith and fervor, and not all for naught. i learned to receive with the gratefulness and unquestioning nature of a baby bird being fed by its mama, an art i only began to scoff as a somewhat jaded adult; i learned and earned the strength to believe as i choose, regardless of popular consensus, and hence, that there is life and acceptance after rejection. i learned to love, above all, no matter what grievous injury i may have sustained in the loving, an act that was perfected through the literal self-sacrifice of a deity on all our behalves, for the express purpose of slaking our thirst for blood. what troubles me now is what i failed to learn, mainly that a will totally given over, even to the vastness of god, is a will unused in any active sense of creation. when does an act of devotion become an act of self-immolation? i have experienced unfulfilling relationships of unequal nature, can’t believe that a being so far beyond my advancement as god almighty would enjoy the same any better than i. lately, i’ve felt stirrings of hope that i may be able to actualize a reality that meets all of my needs, and i believe it’s achieved through an amalgam of acceptance of sustenance from without, as well as the application of my god given will to create the personal world that i desire. let’s call it both and. i am officially over either or. i give up abdication in favor of creation, i hold myself responsible for my own successes as well as failures. i accept the responsibility of making my life, finally. i will continue to accept help where i find it, and where i don’t, i will help myself. amen.
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