tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-84026833332817322232024-02-19T04:08:09.229-06:00Bloodless CoupDreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.comBlogger124125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-73704603199634456302020-04-29T21:39:00.000-05:002020-04-29T21:39:08.186-05:00Sins of Omission<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">If I'm honest</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I'd have to admit</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">that some part of me felt shame</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">at loving you </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">a woman </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Afraid of what it would mean</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">to be seen as something other than</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">a standard bearing girl </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">As though the omission</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">of a phallus was</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> an unthinkable abdication</span> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">of my desiring to be desired</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">As if I had not been raised</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">on the fantasy of being a woman lifted</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">in the arms of a larger man who</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">made me feel small and</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">could carry me easily off to bed </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">dutifully ignoring the threat</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">inherent in the dichotomy </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And how as I allowed myself </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">to fall for you I only knew to mimic</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">what I thought you wanted </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">in a man </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">taking pleasure in play acting</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">the other side but failing to see </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">it was the same unequal script </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And how I know now</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">we were resplendent in our softness</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">with nothing missing but </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">the expectations we had swallowed</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">that omitted the truths </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">of our irresistable love</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<br />
Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-76821578870842640512020-02-05T10:02:00.000-06:002020-02-05T10:02:06.972-06:00As Within, So WithoutWe are indoctrinated to invalidate feminine power any time we see it<br />
<br />
We accomplish this with many different attacks but they all come quickly & forcibly<br />
<br />
We might say a woman with power is shrill or schoolmarmish or not believable or an outright liar, someone who cannot be trusted; Eve, after all<br />
<br />
We might say we ourselves do not object to a powerful woman but that everyone else will and in that way invalidate feminine power<br />
<br />
We might sexualize her power in an attempt to diminish her and the very next minute 'righteously' abraid her when she rejects our sexualization and not only claims her own sexuality but shares it in accordance with her own power<br />
<br />
We find ourselves feeling shame for reasons we haven 't got words for yet when we see a powerful woman asserting herself privately or publicly<br />
<br />
We try to make the powerful woman feel our shame too, to be ashamed of herself and go back to quiet complicity with a world that grants her small quarter<br />
<br />
We rewrite and we erase historical records of feminine accomplishment, we deny women access to certain spaces & mantles, we say that feminine work is intellectually & creatively inferior to male work across nearly all fields<br />
<br />
We keep feminine power safely contained in our homes, demanding that it keep us fed, with clean clothes and environment, catering to our every comfort as we go about our business of overharvesting our earth's riches, mismanaging her abundances, creating unnecessary need while filling her with our detritus and poisins; in short, we treat our Earth as we treat our mothers, we take them for granted<br />
<br />
We actively participate in a practice of collective imbalance and we are suffering for it without correctly identifying the source<br />
<br />
Feminine power is myriad & I will not shame it or be shamed by it, I will listen to its substance & evaluate its results for myself. I will free myself of the bad tapes in my head & write my own program to follow.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-81586486449592944292019-09-14T09:51:00.000-05:002019-09-14T09:51:17.869-05:00Fog<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">The alarms embedded in my body</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">are going off again</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">My nervous system once went to war and</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I've been nervous ever since</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">It's a challenge not to fight</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">when all feels like survival</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I tell myself to stand down</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I want to be seen</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I want to be invisible</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Eyes that see sit above mouths full of teeth</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">in the heads of hungry people</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I am always trying to preserve</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">the unpreserved after the fact</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">In crowded rooms</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">sometimes I find a peace</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">if I close my eyes and breathe</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">with my back against a wall</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">for a moment I soften</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So much effort spent keeping things out</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">and I want to let someone in </span>Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-49538584469272299162019-06-29T09:48:00.000-05:002019-06-29T09:48:02.559-05:00Freedom Fighting<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Born in
the land of the free</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">and I’m
still working to get there</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">gonna be
working forever unless I catch a break</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">have to
guard against my government</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">exploiting
fears to grab up liberties</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">while
the President grabs whatever he pleases</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Willed
over so many freedoms</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">in the
name of a small god that promised </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">my submissions
would fulfill me but </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">he just
left me on my knees</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">wondering
what I wasn’t doing right</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">So now I
am digging in the dirt </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">of my
mind, pulling out the weeds </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">of
others’ authority choking out my own</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">learning
to author my own story</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">for the
very first time</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">‘None
free til we’re all free’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">the
freedom fighters say</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">and I
wholeheartedly agree</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">as I
make an offering of the keys </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">I am
finding buried at the roots</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">of all the lies that have
been robbing me</span>Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-52007133821418110082019-04-09T15:04:00.000-05:002019-04-09T15:04:17.869-05:00In Defense of Roe v WadeIt is possible that my most unhinged moment came the one and only time I had a serious pregnancy scare. I say possibly because, to be honest, there are several in the running for the title of 'most unhinged moment,' but there was only one pregnancy scare because of how desperately I wished <i>not</i> to be pregnant. I took the pill religiously, and when I missed, I made my partner use a condom for the seven to ten days prescribed by my birth control for a single day's missed pill. Even when I had no missed days of taking the pill, I would often ask my partner to not finish inside me, due to my fear of becoming pregnant, and god bless him for being willing to accommodate me in that request. I am sure doing so sometimes denied him pleasure he deserved.<br />
<br />
Why was being pregnant such a terrifying thought for me? I am a woman with childhood sexual trauma in her history, although the memories of that trauma were suppressed until about ten years ago, when I was thirty-five, and I am just now beginning to navigate those truths with a modicum of steadiness now that I am forty-five. Prior to my remembering, I experienced deep panic at the thought of being a mother. I knew myself to be barely capable of taking care of me, and the thought of being responsible for another human life seemed beyond my ability. And underneath that fear, sat a bigger fear. Even though I was oblivious to my memories, I had the sense that something was really wrong with me and I was afraid that I would unwittingly hurt my child. I know it is a widely accepted fact that most survivors of sexual abuse do not go on to become abusers themselves, and I tend to agree with that statement. But I am not sure there has been much study on the outcomes of sexual trauma survivors who have memory loss. I remember reading a passage in a memoir, where the author recounts the experience of a friend who confessed remembering their own trauma only after repeating an act while bathing their baby; they literally began to remember as they found themselves in the middle of an inappropriate act. Forgetting trauma is a coping mechanism that is difficult to overcome. I believe that many of us never remember and that some of us remember through subconscious repetition of acts, whether that be mimicking what was done to us or recreating our own victimization in a stream of unhealthy relationships that we may or may not ever be able to transcend. In the cases where people with memory loss mimic damaging behaviors, I believe they often can't even remember the abusive acts they commit, as that would force them to remember their own traumatic experience, which they are too damaged to do. Now this semi-functional person bears the added trauma of being righteously condemnable by a society that doesn't have the first clue of what justice truly looks like. How do we heal something about which we cannot even speak, whether because we cannot remember it or because we will be damned if we do? All of this combines to seemingly perpetuate damage and trauma for all time. <br />
<br />
I share all of this to say that had I become pregnant, abortion is an option I would have wrestled with deeply, for reasons that I find extremely moral. Like many if not most Americans, I was raised in an ostensibly Christian home that claimed abortion was an evil barely rivaled by anything in this world, so I can't really say what I would have done. But I can unequivocally say that I believe abortion to be a right, and a moral right at that. In my case, it would have been <i>responsible</i> for me to abort rather than to continue a pattern of abuse, whether that be the continuation of sexual inappropriateness or an inability to provide a safe psychological space in which my child could grow up.<br />
<br />
This, of course, is where the self-righteous chorus of voices chimes in to say that I should carry my baby to term and give it up for adoption, as there are so many couples who want babies they themselves cannot have. I have nothing but compassion for those couples, but their difficulty does not deserve precedence over my own difficulty; no one besides me has the moral authority to say what I should or shouldn't do <i>with</i> <i>my own DNA. </i>The choice to procreate is a monumental one, not to be taken lightly or dictated on us by another. It is also worth mentioning that very few adoptions occur where the baby is born and is immediately paired with suitable parents. Our foster care system is rife with abuses of all kinds, be that sexual, psychological or physical, so my choosing to give up my child to adoption is still no guarantee that my child wouldn't suffer the traumas I so desperately would want them to be free of.<br />
<br />
Something else in this equation that doesn't get enough discussion is the fact that survivors of abuse often have body issues that center around control, as we had no control over what happened to our bodies in the past. I can think of few things more invasive or indicative of a loss of bodily control than being pregnant. I honestly don't think I could have tolerated pregnancy without a psychological breakdown, which would have endangered the life inside me, and I believe, passed on my trauma as my growing child would have experienced my breakdown with me. Add to this the fact that these United States have the highest maternal mortality rate in the developed world, and ask yourself why you feel you have the right to force <i>any</i> woman to give birth against her will, much less one with trauma issues.<br />
<br />
I can hear some of you saying, 'but what about the rights of the father? Isn't it his DNA as well?' Yes, it most certainly is his DNA, but the father lacks the biological ability to gestate his DNA into a fetus, let alone a baby, and <i>every man knows this</i>. That means that if a man desires to procreate, it is his biological imperative to cultivate a <i>consensual </i>contract with a woman who <i>can</i> gestate his DNA into a fetus. This is the only <i>honorable</i> option available to him. Conversely, women have a responsibility to form consensual contracts with men when it comes to procreation. I don't want anyone dictating to me what I can do with my own DNA and I have no wish to force a child on an unwilling man. That is also dishonorable. This country and this world are in desperate need of comprehensive, science based sex education to address these and many more issues of morality as it relates to procreating.<br />
<br />
Now to the address the 'pro-life' canard that life begins at conception and that God deems it murder to abort a fetus. First of all, none of us can speak for God or even prove that God exists, so therefore none of us can say what God actually thinks about the beginning of life or about abortion. But I can tell you this, any 'God' that deems a life that cannot exist without a host as<i> </i>inherently more valuable than the life that already unequivocally <i>does </i>exist is not a god to be trusted. This world has shown me time and time again that as a woman, my life has less value than a man's and that's a lie too. Then again, the 'God' that is against abortion is modeled as a man, so it's all beginning to make more sense. The pro-life argument is nothing more than a disingenuous power play intended to prop up patriarchy, when the truth is, there would literally be <i>no</i> men without the existence of women.<br />
<br />
So much of this debate revolves around 'respect for life.' I am asking that we expand our definition of respect for life to include quality of life, and rather than just insisting that people give birth in obeisance to 'respect for life,' we shift our focus to implementing policies that bring about a better experience of life for all of us. What would that look like, you ask? I don't have all the answers but it would definitely include an overhaul of our justice system so that it is restorative rather than punitive. I would venture to say that very little about our present healthcare is more respectful of life than a dollar, so we would have to address that as well. A compassionate and functioning mental health service would immeasurably improve our shared quality of life by reducing the amount of trauma that gets passed on endlessly and needlessly. And for the love of all that is holy, we would offer science based, age appropriate sex ed that begins in grade school, where abstinence is offered as only one available and largely unrealistic option. <br />
<br />
Impossible, you say, these reforms will never happen. Well, it's certainly much easier to continue on screaming about life beginning at conception and making abortion illegal, and while I should and would respect your right to that opinion, I feel zero compunction to respect your intellectually bankrupt opinion in action. I am reminded of the maxim to not be so spiritually minded that we are of no earthly good, but that is exactly what the pro-life movement does; it holds a specious religious conviction above the value of the lives of women and the children we bring into this world, which is about as disrespectful of life as it gets. In my opinion, the truest way to respect life is to work towards a world that is as free of trauma as possible, and until we accomplish that, abortion is one tool that can be used responsibly to help us get there. <br />
<br />Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-2336407448788998682019-02-17T13:36:00.000-06:002019-02-18T19:23:16.811-06:00well-traveled<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My mother taught me to travel well</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">tho she hardly made it </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">any of the places she dreamt to go </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">settling for the subversion</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">of a National Geographic subscription</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">in a household intent on </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">separation from the world</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">She showed me the value of moving things</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">not related to the reason you were going</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">if doing so got them closer</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">to where they needed to be </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">to see that each small move made</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">is part of the whole of getting it done </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">so that a pile of clean clothes walked </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">from the basket I was passing</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">to the stairs by the door I was exiting</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">was half the work of restoring them to my room</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I am just now learning </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">how to harness that power of making each step I take </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">move me </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">simultaneously</span></span> in multiple directions </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> or</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">shift me into synchronicity with people and things around me,</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">the life-multiplying power of living moments fully invested</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">experienced as a self-sustaining fuel </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My mother taught me to travel </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">well past points she had instilled</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">when she left and birthed me again</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">into freedoms I hope she has since found</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">she did not travel most but</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">she traveled beyond</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">and walked me with her to stand comfortably </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">past the threshold of the unknowable</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span>Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-18489248860241634412019-01-01T12:16:00.003-06:002020-11-05T11:15:05.584-06:00Grappling With My Unforgiveable SinsTwo years ago around this time, I committed two public acts of racist whiteness in close succession. The first involved a grocery clerk, a young Black man, with whom I had awkwardly interacted and later written a note apologizing for microaggressions, a thing I had recently read about and felt I had done to him. He quit working there not long after, probably wearied by me and other well meaning yet still harmful white people gentrifying his neighborhood.<br />
<br />
The second was even more egregious and involved what I want to call a borderline drunken racist slur, but I truly offended and hurt the gentleman I slurred and that is the only truth about it that matters. He was graciously tending his own bar, we were talking, he told me about his family name and background, and I said, 'Oh, so you're a Jew.' Not 'Oh, so you're Jewish.' His face fell and I knew immediately that I had weaponized my whiteness. I came back a few days later and tried to apologize, he gave me the out of being drunk, and I have worked since to understand and own the parts of me that feel it's acceptable for me to practice bigotry for any reason.<br />
<br />
Doing so has unearthed a lot of unsavory things that I have been wrestling with since, like I used to wonder if I had Blackness in me, for some pretty ignorant
reasons such as I have curly hair and tend toward muscularity. I can now recognize this as an attempt
by my white guilt to make myself a member of the oppressed and a desire to escape my role
as potential oppressor. <br />
<br />
I used to wave a confederate
flag proudly and have worn an iron cross belt buckle, thinking I was
celebrating proud heritage or being contrarian in a rock and roll
reclamation kind of way, but I now believe that contrarianism is a deeply
insensitive and selfish luxury afforded me because of my white skin. I accept that brandishing any symbol that has been involved in the
promulgation of hateful behavior is going to be painful and
offensive to some of my fellow human beings and that doing so puts my
character in a position open to unfavorable interpretation.<br />
<br />
What I am slowly owning about myself is that I am a white person raised
in a white supremacist society, and that as such, parts of my DNA are
racist and white supremacist, regardless of the beliefs I now hold on race and equality; it's the principle of osmosis manifesting humanly. I must accept that it is entirely up to me to ensure that my actions align with my beliefs, and the best thing I can do when I fail at that is to own it and examine it, not deny the fact that I did it. White people have been coddled in this country, we ruin ourselves with this system intended to unilaterally uplift us, and we have insulated ourselves from consequences by rewriting our history and inculcating our children with a narrative that absolves and ignores our very worst sins. <br />
<br />
I have some family roots on my maternal side in the
deep south. It is my firm belief that
most of us with southern roots have some potentially
unpardonable actions for which our families need to attempt to atone. This is the part where my whiteness wants to say things like, 'We were too poor to own slaves. We were barely better than slaves ourselves,' which is exactly what people who have never been enslaved would say. There is no comparison between being poor and being owned, and there is no sidestepping the fact that some of my poor relatives were enthusiastic members of the KKK and possibly participants at lynchings. I
desire generational healing for my family and it is my hope that being honest about our roots may begin to metaphysically redeem the parts of my family tree that need it; redemption is only possible in the presence of truth.<br />
<br />
Last year, I adopted a dog who looks like a larger version of a dog I loved and lost in a breakup; I saw her face and was immediately in love. As it turns out, she is 'some kind of hound' according to the folks at the pound who shared that they had not expected her to get adopted. To be honest, it feels like she is some kind of signal for white supremacy, based on various public reactions she has garnered when we are out walking in parks. I am awakening to the fact that multitudes of information are passed in the smallest of exchanges & I often struggle with my perception of what is really happening but I do know that white supremacy works in part by giving a veneer of legitimacy to illegitimate things. I do know that hounds were used to track and return runaway slaves and enforce segregration on the backyard level in the south. I know how people have responded to us and there is some kind of meaning there, in her existence and their reactions. Sometimes, being her owner once again puts my character in a place open to unfavorable reading. At the same time, she is healing me on some visceral levels; I have struggled to support myself, much less any other living thing, financially speaking. Adopting her was a huge step for me, but I also accept that she may be an avenue for partial metaphysical familial healing too. She is such a good, sweet dog and is herself innocent of any wrongdoing. I am choosing to love her and accept her love and to send love back through time to any of my clan who may have used her relatives to subjugate other human beings. We get to define our relationships with the dead as we see fit; my maternal grandmother and I have been working together on
the spiritual plane for the past couple years on other aspects of family healing; perhaps this is a place where I can offer her roots some metaphysical healing in return. <br />
<br />
For the entirety of my life to this point, I have believed in my utter inability to be redeemed, having committed what feels like unpardonable sins at the very beginning of my life in childish reaction to some potentially unpardonable sins committed against me. Holding this belief about myself has made me particularly susceptible to committing sins of oppression, to both falsely feed my low self esteem and to reinforce my belief that I don't deserve love or goodness. I have a record of fine self-sabotage that righteously isolates me from the circles in which I wish to move. I am aware of an animal self who loves to compete and assert dominance, who is furious at all men (read: patriarchy) in some moments and is not above using any means to predicate itself, even if they are evil. These public racial failures have forced me to confront this pattern in myself. I accept that the belief that there is worthiness within me in the face of indefensible failing is mine to build. I accept that marginalized and discriminated against people owe me no absolution or forgiveness for my failures when I lean on white supremacy to prop myself up.<br />
<br />
The easiest thing for me to do would be to go quiet, to take the target off my back that comes with visibility so that my unpardonable failures could be less observed and I could be less embarrassed. What I am going to do though, is marshal up my nascent resilience and own my failings in all their ugliness and do the work it takes to repair my character. This, I believe, is what is required of my whiteness in this country, and it is also the work that will free me from the opinions held by myself as well as those judging me by my failures, whether or not they have the right to do so.<br />
<br />
It is human nature to look for and call out hypocrisy, to make imperfection disqualifying. This can be both justice in action and a reason to resist change. I am committing to a new practice this new year: I resolve to give up my appetite for scandal and to continue shedding tired religious programming that preaches empty redemption supplied by another. When I hear of failings in those working for good, may I have the compassion to ask questions and leave room for a redemptive answer, and may I continue to build true self esteem by believing there is goodness in me, whether or not it is visible in any given moment. <br />
<br />
<br />Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-1959130604527928382018-11-30T12:30:00.002-06:002018-11-30T12:30:48.147-06:00copy whattrauma, especially the kind that gets passed down<br />
<br />
is like being a member of a club you think is exclusive<br />
<br />
but may more actually be universal<br />
<br />
speaking of it may get you excommunicated<br />
<br />
from all your social groups<br />
<br />
much more admirable to soldier on silently<br />
<br />
like every generation before<br />
<br />
trauma alters cells, they say<br />
<br />
and we pass it on<br />
<br />
whether we speak of it or not<br />
<br />
so speak, I say<br />
<br />
call it out<br />
<br />
clear its register from the body<br />
<br />
and halt this chain of replicationDreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-21604021385880389952017-10-17T09:54:00.000-05:002017-10-17T09:54:36.919-05:00Game<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Born
into a system of subjugation</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Some of
us became lethal players of the game</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">And they
worshipped our untouchableness </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">With
groans and more desire</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Some of
us opted out </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Evolving
and becoming something other </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Something
not on the menu, we hoped</span></div>
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us went underground in our own minds</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">And we
are barely even here, even when you are inside us</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Our grandmothers
terrified us with their traumas</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Hoping that
fear would keep us safe</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">They had
accepted that this was how it was</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Their
minds fit for survival, not this revolution</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">But we
are their daughters’ daughters</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">And we
say it is time for a new game</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">This is one we will no
longer play</span>Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-51081994301770075262017-09-29T12:47:00.000-05:002018-03-26T07:25:16.795-05:00Chamber<br />
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">We were
two grown girls in love</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">With
swagger and sleights to share</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">We were
both of us wrecked</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Well on
our way to ruin</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">One of
us needed to be healed</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">The
other needed </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Never to
admit to the wound</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">It tore
us apart</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">But
there is a chamber in my heart</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">That
holds only your name</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">& my
dream of us together</span></div>
Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-90768735103711186942017-08-03T11:49:00.000-05:002017-08-03T19:49:27.834-05:00Things Dropped Into Wells Continue to Echo Long After They Have Fallen<br />
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">I am
approaching the start of my 44<sup>th</sup> year on Earth, and I am just
beginning to possess my own story, especially my origin story. But who is a
person, if they cannot correctly remember their own history?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">About a
decade ago, a verbal exchange with someone from my childhood triggered a physical
and emotional reaction in my body that I am honestly just now processing with any
measure of stability. The disturbing comment sent me to bed bewildered and
crying, and a voice from my belly kept repeating that ‘something terrible has
happened to me and I have no memory of it.’ </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">I woke
up the next morning changed at a fundamental level; I was suddenly a woman consciously
split in two, unsure of the truth of my own life, which left me sorely
debilitated in my ability to move forward. Prior to this exchange, I had been <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">unconsciously</i> split, which was more
comfortable for me personally, but probably not so much for those nearest me; unhealed
wounds tend to draw fresh blood as well as continue to bleed. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">I sought
out therapy and counseling for obvious reasons, and by a stroke of what I consider
universal intervention, had already enrolled in massage therapy school, where I
was introduced to the worlds of somatic psychology and energy work, two tools
that have been invaluable to me through this process of discovery and healing.
I learned how to mine my muscles for stored information, to identify areas of
tightness and holding and gently coax them into softening, even momentarily,
and oftentimes when they did, stories jumbled out, pieces of my puzzling past.
We use our muscles emotionally without an awareness of doing so; sometimes those
emotions and the traumas they are connected to become frozen in tightened
tissues and are released when the muscles themselves release. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Without
getting too bogged down in the particulars, I began to remember a sexual
relationship with an authority figure in my life that transpired for a
relatively short period of my childhood. The relationship ended when it was
discovered by a family member who put a stop to it, but there was never any
legal action taken, something that made me seriously question if what I was
remembering was true. My family was deeply religious, and the adult in my story
was a leader in our fundamentalist Christian church. It is my belief that this
person’s status was maintained out of a fear that those who had made
professions of faith under their tutelage might leave the faith if the story
was made public. Also, I’m not sure there is anything fundamentalist traditions
bungle as badly as human sexuality. There is a general immaturity in the
handling of the topic that becomes increasingly problematic when situations
occur outside of accepted norms. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Interestingly,
the initial trauma for me wasn’t that the relationship happened, but that it
ended abruptly. I was maybe eight years old when I began processing my first
broken heart. No one expects desire from a child, but if you expose a child to
sex, attachment can arise organically from the acts themselves, especially if
the adult is a part of the child’s authority structure. At least, that is what
happened to me: I fell in love with my abuser. I did not understand what we
were doing, but I interpreted it as love. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">An eight-year-old
with a broken heart is a dangerous force. When our relationship ended, I
remember feeling wrecked and furious. I had no wellspring of self to lean on, I
just experienced rejection and despair. I coped by eating meals alone in my
room for several months and by displacing my crush onto a cartoon character. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">And this
is where the story gets real; I have come to realize that most of my forgetting
of this whole history hinges on the fact that I myself became a predator, after
being taught things for which I lost an outlet and had no frame of reference. I
can’t be certain that I have recalled every predatory event perpetrated by my prepubescent
self, but I do remember several incidents of things ranging from using sexual
language to titillate two boys for what may have been almost a year of
recesses, until we all just felt gross, to physical acts with at least three
other peers. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">In a cosmic cliché for the ages, this all came to a head at a
church camp one summer. I groomed a slightly younger girl who was not comfortable
with whatever I was suggesting. I do not know if I touched her at all or just
verbally proposed an idea, but she went to the camp nurse, who confronted me</span><span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;"> about it</span> in
front of many of the girls in my cabin. She told me that what I had
done was called rape, and that if I were older, I would be going to jail. I was
mortified. I had heard about rape routinely on the Christian radio shows that
played daily in my home and it had always terrorized me. I still didn’t even
fully understand what sex was, even though I had experienced pieces of it, and
I obviously was unaware of what constituted rape. I knew it was something awful
that happened inordinately often to women, and since I was female, I didn’t realize
I could also commit it. The nurse’s public confrontation of me happened because
I had been made a counselor for the cabin and looked older than I was, but I was
twelve years old, and four years into my crime spree. I was extremely
traumatized by my public shaming, and responded by believing I had committed
the unpardonable sin, a nebulous act which no one in our denomination could
confidently define, although everyone agreed that committing it was a ticket
straight to Hell. I made a childish commitment to a life of piety, in an effort
to earn a way out of damnation. I wish I had received counseling for my trauma,
but my church held a very dim view of psychologists and therapy, the standard
reaction to any authorities situated beyond the church confines. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Less
than a year after this scarring confrontation, for which I am nonetheless
grateful, my family moved to another part of the state, and I apparently just
started over by wiping my memory of all of it, both what had happened to me,
and how I had behaved in response to it. I just overwrote it and started a new
story, one where my childhood was unusually healthy and happy, and where I was
most certainly neither victim nor villain.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">And my
true origin story remained sublimated for twenty years, until that conversation
which set off a bomb in my nervous system and started me on a ten-year journey
of piecing myself back together intentionally. When I began to recall my own
trauma, I was of course livid. Self-righteousness is often the fuel of the
wrongfully wounded. At the same time though, I had this
just-beneath-the-surface sensation of slime on myself which frightened me and
kept me existing in a state of perpetual undermine, by which I mean I still
felt damnable, maybe even creepy. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Eventually,
I got brave enough to face it, preferring the harsh truth to a lie that kept me
blameless but robbed me of my power in the exchange. In owning my part of my
childhood tragedy, I have found the beginnings of empathy for my perpetrator.
It can be argued that our actions were morally different, in that they were an
adult, and I a child; believe me, I have thrown myself on that logic for
salvation many times throughout this process. Truthfully though, I have no way
of knowing if my childish actions were experienced by my peers as trauma or
rape, and I have no idea if they are still affected as adults by whatever I did
to them, but I must acknowledge it is possible. Instant devastation, to find
myself in the same category as the thing I hate, the thing I judge mercilessly
in my righteous indignation. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">How I long
for a world with a cure for the worst in us; a place where we can fail, perhaps
even unforgivably, and still somehow be restored to our place in the pack. I
don’t know a lot about the authority that traumatized me, but I did hear them
briefly share in some class or something that they had encountered some kind of
sexual harassment too. I don’t expect they were given any more help in dealing
with that trauma than I was, and they were a representative of the faith as
well, with higher expectations of propriety placed on them. Confession for
them, in that environment, would mean excommunication and disgrace, full stop. What
a heavy burden to carry for a lifetime. I am unwilling to make excuses for
unrepented actions, but I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">am</i> willing
to accept that there is no such thing as getting away with it and to consider
that this person probably suffers a lot under the weight, and will continue to
until it is dealt with, finally. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">I am
willing to accept that suffering as a form of justice.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">And I will
also do whatever is mine to do in service of creating a world that gives us
interventions and true corrections and ways back to wholeness, most especially
when we are at our worst. So much of the tragedy in our world is the direct
result of our reactions to our traumas. May we grow to understand that we are
all both perpetrated against and are ourselves perpetrators, so that we may
learn empathy and unlock new possibilities for the quality of life on our
planet. </span></div>
Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-45441533803666647762017-05-18T16:41:00.002-05:002017-05-18T16:41:58.489-05:00marrow<br />
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">The one
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Getting your
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">After
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<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">You will
bury it properly this time just as soon as you get back</span></div>
Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-30622648445415729722017-02-11T15:10:00.000-06:002017-02-11T15:10:27.319-06:00To My First Love Whom I Let Down<br />
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
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Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
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mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">To my
first love</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Whom I
let down</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">You were
a stand-in </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">For
those other men</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Who
should never have been inside me</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">So you
didn’t stand a chance</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">I had
punishment to mete </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">You were
close enough </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Believed
myself your superior </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">So I
could allow your body to</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Teach
mine to</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Submit
to feeling good</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">But you
were never going to touch</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">What you
most desired of me</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">I didn’t possess it yet to
give</span>Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-10715568532369701102017-01-26T16:27:00.004-06:002020-11-20T13:16:30.987-06:00Pony<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Girls
who ride horses</span>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Wrap their
legs around you tight</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">I used
to climb up stairs</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">With your
body wound about me</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">A sprint
to the top where</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">We would
tumble down together</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Breathless</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Cocksure
and inexperienced</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">I failed
to grasp I was just </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">A favorite
pony</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">From a
stable kept semi-full</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">And that
all of us left you empty</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">But for
the moments of our ride</span></div>
Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-80816845441449250932016-12-09T19:04:00.001-06:002016-12-09T19:05:06.770-06:00Ally Ally Oops<br />
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Stating
out loud that you are an ally is a sure-fire way to make yourself look like a complete
hypocrite. If you are anything like me, at some point in your allyship, you
will make a terrible mistake, possibly publicly, that will make it look like
you are not an ally at all, and truthfully in that moment we really aren’t. We
will have to be bigger than that moment. We will have to own it and learn from
it and realize that it is all a part of the process of making life in this
world more equitable for all. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">This is
a hard thing to parse, because this type of failure is particularly hard on our
egos, and because to successfully move on from this place, we will have to do
some serious self-auditing, looking for thoughts that are our own, and thoughts
that we have absorbed that we need to challenge, update, reprogram or altogether
delete. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">This
world tries to possess us all, with its overbearing realities demanding our
immediate attention, sweeping us along in a tide that leaves little room for
questioning or objecting, but to be an ally of any kind requires questioning of
the very fabric of life and civilization itself. It requires questioning systems,
institutions, authorities, and most especially our own self-motivations.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Being an
ally requires resilience. It means signing up for military service of a sort, with
the knowledge that real lives are being tragically lost in the fight. All of
that is more important than our pride that gets hurt as we trip on our own
privileges and prejudices, and until we trip on them, we may remain unaware we
have them, so at least now we know where we need to work to improve. We must
accept that one moment of abject failure does not define the whole of our
character. We must accept that we ourselves possess this pocket of ugliness,
which empowers us to pull it out of ourselves and our modes of operation, and
then we make consistency of character our goal in this point from here forward.
</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Being an
ally isn’t about being perfect; it is about being honest and compassionate with
ourselves and others, it is the actual hard work that we do to better ourselves
so that we can co-create with others a world that welcomes and values our
differences as the strengths that they are.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">I only
desire to wage virtual war. Real war accomplishes nothing that lasts, and the
price paid is higher than anything we can repay.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Let's collectively grant ourselves the freedom to be exactly who we are, and accept no substitutions. </span></div>
Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-72478912807342358782016-12-05T22:18:00.000-06:002016-12-05T22:55:35.608-06:00Safe<br />
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">I awake</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">In a
bloodfilled world</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Bits and
pieces cut off me</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">By
opportunists who say</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">If it
can be taken</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">I should
lose it</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Looking
down I find</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">I hold a
knife</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Blood trails
to</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Multiple
victims</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Blows
thrown with no awareness </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Are all
the easier to deny</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Unnerved<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;"> </span>I drop my knife knowing</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">It may
cost me my life</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">But I’m
not really living am I</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">What I want
most is to be safe</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">So I
disarm, I disarm </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">I lay my
offenses down</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">If I can
stay alive in this state</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Perhaps
it can replicate</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">As I
learn to flow and deflect</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">To take
no boarders on</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">A world
full of blood </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Is a
world full of madness</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">So I
disarm, I disarm</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">I lay my
defenses down</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">All I want
is to be safe</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">In this
world</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%;">And to be around</span>Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-70527046058016762392016-11-11T15:40:00.000-06:002019-06-29T09:44:40.207-05:00An Open Letter to My Friends Who Voted Trump<br />
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Dear
friends and loved ones of mine,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">If you
voted for Donald Trump, we can still be friends, and I still love you. I
understand that for many of you, the prevailing issues revolved around the loss
of your livelihood or your insurance, or your distrust of Washington politics
and a desire to shake it all up and see if some ‘outsider’ could remake
government in the image you prefer. For others of you, this was a moral stance
revolving around your interpretation of your faith, and a desire to secure a
conservative majority in our judiciary branch that will uphold your belief
system in our nations’ courts. Whatever your reason, it is your right as an
American, and as a human being with free will, to vote as you choose and I honor
that wholeheartedly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">However,
the candidate you elected is a man of odious character, a man who has lived his
life far removed from the lives of ordinary citizens for the whole of his existence.
He may be an outsider to politics, but he is part and parcel of the ruling
elite that has oppressed us all and hijacked our government, so I am charging
you with holding him accountable to your will. You have given immense power to
a man who has shown little respect for the interests of anyone but his own
social class, of which you and I are not a part. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">The
candidate you elected is a bully and a cheat. He uses his wealth and status to
break signed contracts made with honest business people with impunity, and yet
you have entrusted him with championing the cause of the working class. It is
true that he may lift regulations that will bring back jobs in the energy sector,
but at what cost? Our climate is warming. You may want to believe that it is
just the natural ebb and flow of our planet, but science has shown that the
emissions of combusted petroleum has a direct and measurable effect on the
temperature of Earth. It would be wise of us to not add to what is already
happening, whatever the source. It would be truly <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">great</i> of us to be innovators and lead the world in the creation and
adoption of new technologies that provide for our needs (including jobs) while
also addressing the needs of our habitat. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">The
candidate you elected used derogatory and hateful speech to describe our
immigrant citizens, and did not forcefully rebuke the white supremacists among
us. If you are White and voted for this man but are not a bigot or a racist, I am
going to need you to prove that beyond a statement that you aren’t. I need you
to open yourself to the idea of institutionalized racism, and I implore you, in
the privacy of your home and head, to explore the contents of your mind honestly.
I ask you to please read essays and books like ‘The New Jim Crow’ by Michelle
Alexander or ‘Between the World and Me’ by Ta-Nehisi Coates, and if you can’t
commit to reading then please watch ‘13<sup>th</sup>’, a documentary that is
currently streaming on Netflix. Educate yourself about what being a person of
color in this country has meant, please, and consider that the anger and
frustration you feel at ten to fifteen years of instability in your workplace
is a lifelong reality for POC in these United States. Try to imagine their
desperation and empathize with it. If you are not a reader, then get involved
with the Boys and Girls Club or some other entity invested in the fight for the
equality of all our citizens, or donate some money to organizations that fight
for the rights of people of color and immigrants. And above all, if you see or even
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hear </i>an immigrant or POC being
abused, then get your non-bigot self in that fight and stand up to whomever is
doing it, because your credibility is now on the line. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">The
candidate you elected has a recorded history of believing he has the right to
sexually assault women if he finds them attractive and did nothing to censure
the rampant misogyny displayed by many of his supporters on their shirts,
buttons and bumper stickers, or in their chants which rang through his rallies
in swells. If you cannot win your position without being abusive, then I lose
respect for your position. I ask that you show your disapproval of your
candidate’s treatment of women by opposing any moves he may make to dismantle
Title IX or any other legislation our current administration passed on behalf
of abused women in this country. I also ask that you be a part of the very
important conversation surrounding consent that is happening right now so that
we can build a world where everyone, men and women alike, knows exactly what
constitutes rape and therefore doesn’t do it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">The
candidate you elected has surrounded himself with extreme social conservatives
with Fundamentalist religious beliefs that you may very well share. Once upon a
time in my life, I too would have voted for this man, solely for this reason. I
would have looked past all his unsavoriness and unfitness for this office so
that I could participate in making God’s laws the law of the land. Today I believe
that behavior to be a form of American theocracy, and I vehemently oppose such
activity. Jesus’ followers begged him to be an earthly king, and he declined. Please
consider that the repealing of the freedom of marriage act would only serve to alienate
people from your mission. If you are accepting of LGTBQ people, even if you
disapprove of their lifestyle, you will likely have to show that by protecting
their rights, not stripping them away. All love is legitimate and deserves the
protection of law. I suspect that Roe vs. Wade is also in your crosshairs, and
since I was once indoctrinated against abortion, I feel I understand your
resolve, and doubt you will be swayed by stories of women and girls who made
one of the most difficult decisions of their lives, so I guess consider me your
respectful yet determined opponent on this topic. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">The very
worst of our collective selves came out in this election and we are weary. It will
take the very <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">best </i>of all of us to
heal up from this harm, and prevent it from continuing. We will all need to
reach beyond ourselves and our insulated bubbles to make it through together. I
pledge to you, my friends on the other side of this chasm, to defend your right
to vote as you please, and I will stand up against any abuse I see leveled
against you for this choice. I pledge to hold myself to these same standards that I am asking of you. I will also do my best to understand and respect
your beliefs and experiences, and will not assume that I know your character
because I know the way that you voted. Things are seldom as simple as that, and
people never are. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Above
all, please know that I am available for conversation and remain grateful for
your presence in my life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Much love
and hope-</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Drea</span></div>
Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-75933599198624474952016-08-04T18:52:00.000-05:002019-11-24T11:10:08.758-06:00Feral<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">She was
waking up to the fact that she had some kind of intellectual Stockholm
Syndrome; she idolized men and she hated herself for being a woman, plain and
simple. Counterproductive, hating oneself. She was determined to get to the
bottom of this self-loathing, to rewire it into something that wasn’t so crippling.
There was certainly an element of osmosis to it-she had been stewed in a vat of
male perception from the very beginning. The predominant belief in her early world
was that men were stronger, faster, steadier. Men ran the show because they
were just better leaders, calmer and cooler under pressure, more equipped to
withstand the traumas of the world. The logical flipside of these assumptions
insinuated that women were the opposite of all this, that they were weaker and
meeker and prone to excitable feelings that made them imbalanced and unfit to
lead. She had heard it said many times over that women shouldn’t even attempt to
lead, because men wouldn’t follow a woman; women were meant to run their
households and men were meant to rule the world.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">But
there was more to it than simply soaking up the accepted truths of her generation,
something murkier and deeper that drove her hate of her own body. She knew,
instinctively, that there was a buried version of her childhood self that could
provide some answers, but this was not a comforting thought. She has real
difficulty getting in touch with that frozen little girl. First of all, the
space in time in which the girl exists is challenging for her to enter as it’s
full of all those feelings she’s done such a good job of not feeling for all
these years. But it’s necessary, so she opens that internal door. She is
flooded by a white-hot rage that is followed quickly by an ocean of sadness and
a heavy sense of betrayal. There are no stories attached to these feelings,
they just wash over her, leaving her momentarily immobilized and shaken. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">She had
fought <span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;"><i>mean</i></span> as a child, she remembers. She had been feral, fighting over her
head and beyond her experience, ruthless with words and body, if it came down
to it. Back that child into a corner, guarantee you she would charge, not cower.
There were too many times that furious child had come out in her adult self, she
realizes, usually after drinking her way past any social appropriateness,
leaving this unhinged creature free to stomp around and break delicate things.
That child was <span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;"><i>still</i></span> angry about something. She was livid, in fact. She didn’t
have an off switch or a biofeedback mechanism that signaled her thinking brain
to get off break and jump back in to referee, she just kept ramping up until
she inevitably hit implosion and shut down into blackout.
Her adult self feels this child could reduce the entire planet to a molten rock
floating through the cold deadness of space, left unchecked. The kid scares her,
if she’s honest. And that’s another thing, this little girl is also stone cold
terrified, to the bottom of her aching bones. The internal pressure of her
little body is high. She unconsciously braces her muscles and viscera in an
attempt to be impenetrable. Whenever she had run as a youth, she would be
wracked with full body pain and cramps as the expansion of her lungs warred
against her tightly clenched steady state.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Actually,
it’s this little girl who hates being a woman. She hates how vulnerable it makes
her feel. She hates the softness of her adult breasts because they expose her,
they give her away. No matter how hard she may attempt to make herself, she
cannot escape their curvature or their sway, cannot get over the feeling that
they mark her as prey. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">There was
something this little girl had done in response to a deep wound that prevents
her from feeling that goodness exists as a part of her nature, that she herself
could ever be good. Her adult self remains convinced of her own unworthiness. When she was in grade school, she had worried about spontaneous
combustion, as if the fires of hell might not wait for her to die to reach
them, but take her right where she stood with absolutely no warning.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">So now
what to do? Now that she was aware of this being hidden away in her ribcage, how
could she integrate her two selves? She would have to trace all the cords from
her feral self to her nervous system, cut the connections to her fight or
flight centers and become aware of reactions that had become unconscious over
time. She would have to be mother to herself and cradle that wrecked little
girl until she felt safe enough to soften and grow into a woman who had survived
whatever was back there and who didn’t hate herself for what she had become. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">This
whole world is traumatized, little one, she thought. We all have to disarm if
we are going to make it. </span></div>
Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-8190402937247878172016-05-26T15:20:00.000-05:002016-05-26T15:22:15.853-05:00Everything Is What We Make It<br />
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">Before I
could think, I was owned. My parents prayed for me before I was ever conceived
to grow into a true believer of God. When I was a baby, I was dedicated to a
life of service to God in a rite of passage ceremony at my church. My name was
intentionally picked by my father and translates as ‘woman of the Lord’, and I was
given a name plaque that hung in my room to always remind me of my true purpose.
All of these things were done without malice, but I look back now and see it as
the beginning of an all-encompassing campaign for my abject commitment to
church doctrine. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">When
talking with people about my instilled religious experience, I have begun
saying that I feel like I grew up in a cult. As Christian Fundamentalists, we
had a narrow interpretation of the bible, accepting it as literally true and
infallibly accurate, not to mention it being the ONLY true document of God’s
words to humanity. All other texts and religions were inferior and could not
save a person from the fires of hell. We focused on separating ourselves from
‘the world’ not just through our actions, but physically and ideologically separating
from non-believers by creating our own schools which taught only our worldview
and refuted any popularly held ideas that contradicted our beliefs, such as
evolution and carbon dating. This schooling included college as well, so a
person could conceivably go their entire life without ever seriously
considering any alternate reality, having been inculcated by the church through
the first twenty-some years of existence. Cults understand the power of driving
all the narratives. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">I don’t
think I would have ever left my faith if my mother hadn’t succumbed to cancer
when I was twenty-one, freeing me up to leave home and find myself outside of
the confines of my church and school. I am certain I would be living out an
entirely different life than the one I am consciously choosing for myself now,
and this thought floods me with anger. My parents acted from a place of genuine
belief and meant me no harm, but my mind was radically brainwashed and my free
will was sorely abused nonetheless. Questioning was allowed, but there was only
ever one right answer, which may be my biggest complaint about Fundamentalism:
it is seriously confining. There is always more than one way to do anything,
including relating to God or the Universe or Whatever is Bigger. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">I am
still working to claim and use my free will, having ‘willingly’ abdicated it to
God for so long. It’s hard to explain how crippling being told to look almost
exclusively outside of yourself for answers to questions about your own life
can be. One can spend a lifetime praying to be told exactly what to do and
never actually do anything at all. Trusting myself and my gut intuition has
been a challenge, because I was taught that my nature was fallen and
untrustworthy, that on my knees before God was my proper posture. These days I think
about the parable of the talents and feel I was taught to bury mine in the
ground. It becomes incredibly difficult to create anything of depth in this
environment, whether it be good art or a fulfilling life, but that’s a whole
other post. If I had to pick one word to best sum up the effect of all of this,
it would be ‘stunted’ and I would apply it to my intellectual and social
development, my creative voice and my ability to act with personal agency. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">As violating
as these things have been, everything is what we make it and there are some
things I count as positives from my indoctrination. In choosing to believe the
creation story over evolution, I gained the capacity for audacious belief in
the face of overwhelming odds, i.e. all the collective weight of science and
popular opinion. That means I now have the ability to believe the impossible is
possible and I am learning to harness that power to pursue my dreams and create
my own reality. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">I
believe in something bigger than myself, and that brings a lot of comfort to my
reality. I am grateful to my upbringing for making me think about my eternal
nature. I see meaning and cause and effect at work rather than randomness in
the world, and I believe in the First Law of Thermodynamics which states that
energy is neither created nor destroyed, so I choose to believe that there is
life after death and as many lives as it takes to become your authentic self,
and that doing just that is what living is about. The core beliefs I still hold
from my former faith are: love your neighbor as yourself, do unto others as you
would have done unto you, and that grace and compassion are the face of God
made human. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I believe that whatever is
out there that’s bigger cannot even begin to be known in six to ten thousand
years. Its truth cannot be contained in a single book that I as a semi finite
human can hold in one hand. It would never condemn a single one of us to an
eternal hell of suffering and separation because It would allow all the time in
eternity for us to choose freely of our own volition to seek out and cultivate
relationship, or not. Whatever is out there is so big that it needs the
vastness of space and time and petri dishes and atomic particles and
subparticles and hundreds of billions of years to be known. Whatever is out
there is waiting for us to quit being small and to join it in co-creation. </span>Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-32875410185980249052016-05-14T15:04:00.000-05:002016-05-14T15:04:10.187-05:00Androgeny is Next to Godliness<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Time to
put some skin in the game and explain why I am such a vocal ally of our LGBTQI population.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">I came
by my male side growing up in an extremely patriarchal worldview. It quickly
became apparent that I had been dealt the fuzzy end of the lollipop by being
born cock and balless, just a fateful flip of a coin that had everything to do
with what I was and wasn’t allowed to be or do, and by the way, this wasn’t the
men making it this way, it was the way that God had ordained it. There was
quite a bit of smug shrugging and vapid assurances that by embracing my own God
given role of submission, I would find some kind of deep fulfillment as a godly
woman. I have no beef with submission as a concept, but I do object to its
performance being relegated to a particular gender. As a young girl, though, I
learned how to be one of the boys and often hung out with groups of boys. I
emulated and revered their hardness, physically, emotionally and mentally, and mostly
lived in complete denial of my femininity, which is not to say that women
cannot embody those traits, it just was not entirely acceptable for them to do
so in the world of my youth. Additionally, I was often reminded that it was
quite unsafe to be a woman in this world, as the ‘weaker vessel,’ so I learned
to downplay my femininity in self-defense, hiding behind billowy clothes, glasses
and unkempt hair. I was good at sports though, and that was the first space
where I grudgingly made some kind of peace with my female form and found a way
to feel physically safer through weight lifting and strength training. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">It
wasn’t until I fell in love with a man and became sexually active with him that
I decided there may also be good things about being a woman. Our relationship
was deeply healing to me on the levels of autonomy and self-expression, and
while he was a very hard man in many ways (I couldn’t yet tolerate softness in
a man), he was also the beginning of my reclaiming myself from years of
programming that was untrue to my character. Being sexual with him allowed me
to enjoy my womanhood, to feel pleasure in my femininity rather than fear and
loathing. My spirit processed the fact that I was ‘living in sin,’ but
experiencing wholeness and healing, so I chose to change my beliefs to match my
reality; I started, finally, to be me, as well as comfortably female.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">I didn’t
fully embrace my womanhood though, until I fell in love with a woman. I loved
her for many things, and quite a few of them were directly tied to her femininity.
She could be a rough and tumble tomboy, but whenever she decided to pull out
her woman card, she played it devastatingly well. The things I most hated about
my body, my breasts and my hips, I found unspeakably beautiful about her.
Loving her body allowed me to love my own in places I never had. Loving her
afforded me the opportunity to be soft, unguarded in ways I truly couldn’t be
yet with a man. Loving her allowed me to forgive myself for being born female
in a world that didn’t appreciate powerful, autonomous women.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">In some
ways, I had a psychic split that revolved around my gender identity. I can
viscerally relate to the feeling of being trapped in the wrong body, because I
felt that for a long time. I wasn’t impressed with the roles my womanhood, as
defined by my experiences growing up, pitched to me, and the constant
sublimated fear of my womanly body’s supposed physical vulnerability also fed
those feelings of gender dysphoria. My story has ended in a blissful
hybridization of strong male and female traits, but when someone tells me they
feel like they are living in the wrong body, I have a healthy and understanding
respect for their experience. I accept that they are who they say they are, end
of story. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">The
complaint I hear most from people who really feel strongly about the
male/female gender binary dynamic, is that embracing a gender spectrum is
unnatural, ungodly and will most likely lead to the destruction of morality and
the world as we currently know it. And they are partially correct, the world
will indeed change but it need not end entirely or become amoral--a gender
spectrum still runs between two mostly fixed poles, after all. Cisgendered
heterosexuality remains the mainstream norm, at present, and should not be threatened
by less statistically represented expressions of human gender and sexuality. No
one expression or experience is more valid or more inherently moral.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">I’m here
to ask: what is immoral about adaptation and growth? My body is female, by
nature, but is also very male, by nurture. My personal experience of this
dynamic, although traumatic in origin, is now one of my greatest strengths, and
my life is vastly enriched by my gender hybridization. I would argue that the
more people who are able to tap into their own androgeny, the more chance there
is for mature, balanced and autonomous individuals who are less driven by needs
and desires of completion in relationships outside of themselves, which in turn
could lead to a more tolerant and stable society. Let’s also not forget, for my
sacred text lovers out there, that we are said to be created in the image of
God, who is neither male nor female, according to said text. It is in my nature
to be both/and. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">We exist in a living world
that is constantly changing and rearranging. Our language is still alive, new
words are added continuously to our lexicons. Our ability to compute and to
observe on both the micro and the macro scales is increasing; we know more
about our universe and our earth, with all its many organisms, than ever
before. Adaptation is the key ingredient to the survival of life on this ever
changing planet. It stands to reason that as our world expands and our ability
to observe and quantify grows, so too should our definition of ourselves evolve.</span>Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-78889541148296230732016-04-19T22:06:00.000-05:002016-04-19T22:06:05.289-05:00How To Make a Martyr<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">I have
been thinking a lot about the ways in which my Fundamentalist upbringing
groomed me for martyrdom, both literally and figuratively, and also for warfare
in general. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">From an
early age, I was exposed to graphic images of Christian martyrs from around the
globe. There is one set of pictures in particular that has stayed with me,
seared into my memory. It came from China, which interestingly enough opened
the door to conversation about Communism and all of its inherent evils, most
especially its rejection of Christianity. My church was extremely politically
motivated and involved. We were often told from the pulpit which way to cast
our vote. It was also made clear that part of our Christian duty was to ensure
that the laws of our land reflected the Laws of God. We were told that God’s
Law trumped man’s, so it became tacitly okay to disobey any law of the land
that did not align with scripture, which may explain part of our present issue
with Constitutional interpretation. Equally important, we were urged to always
support the nation of Israel, as not doing so biblically ensured our nation’s
destruction for rejecting God’s Chosen People. This is why we have so many
Religious Freedom bills in circulation, as well as anti-LGBTQI and
anti-abortion legislation making the rounds, and it is also the reasoning
behind an unquestioning support, by some, of the policies of the nation of
Israel. All of these measures are simply a means of publicly demonstrating a
belief in and service to God, with a real fear that failing to do so might cost
a person their soul for eternity.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">The
first picture of this particular series was of a Chinese Christian man who was to
be killed for his abberant belief by being cooked alive in a stove, in a public
square in front of a group of people gathered solely to watch it happen. Whether
this congregation was voluntary is unknown. The man was standing, bound and
subdued beside the oven as they were heating it up. His face was very stoic,
revealing no emotion about his situation, and this was attributed by my mentors
to his strong and unfailing faith, even as he faced a cruel death. This is how
a young child begins to revere martyrdom, and internalizes an ‘us versus them’
mentality. This is also how the seeds of terror get planted in the belly of a
child’s imagination and grow into unquestioning fealty to something they perceive
as able to keep them safe.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">I
believe there was also a picture of him being loaded into the oven, horizontally,
but the one that truly stuck in my head was of his lifeless body after they
brought him back out. He was not exposed to flame, so there were no burns on
him. He was literally baked like a pastry and died due to the cooking of his
insides. His bloated yet fully intact body had a line of punctures from the top
of his chest all the way down his abdomen, like you might do to the top crust
of a pie, to allow for the release of heat without causing the insides to burst
forth during the baking. His face was grotesquely swollen and became a
nightmare that lived on the backs of my eyelids for years afterwards. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">I was
told that the world was violently opposed to our beliefs, and that I had to
prepare myself for the possibility that I too may one day have to die for my faith;
I was told to think about that situation, and to imagine how I would react.
Would I stand firm and submit to death, thereby warranting eternity with our
glorious God, or would I fall prey to my weak human nature and deny my faith
and my God to save my pitiful life? I wonder how many hours I spent fantasizing
about the possibility? I say ‘fantasizing’ purposely, as it took on an almost
pleasurable aspect, after enough time spent there. I was somewhere between the
ages of five and seven when I began this practice. This, I believe, is the
mechanism that allows someone to put on a suicide vest and set out on a holy
mission. Christians aren’t so much on board with that, however, Christians are
in full support of our military forces dispensing an infinite amount of death
and destruction against the horror of Daesh or anything else that appears to be
at odds with the Judeo-Christian worldview. We did not sing ‘Onward, Christian
Soldiers’ facetiously. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Sunday
School classes in childhood were full of Old Testament stories about acts of
contrition and blood sacrifice performed for the purpose of forgiveness of sins,
which people inevitably committed, and also acts of genocide carried out against
non-believers by God’s Chosen People with not only His full blessing, but His
specific instruction as to how to go about it victoriously. Going to war was
sometimes necessary, and could become a holy act. At the time, I found great comfort
in these stories, as I believed myself to be in an extremely hostile and
threatening world, and these events showed me how to stay on the good side of my
All Powerful God, who would wipe out entire nations on my behalf, if need be.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">The New
Testament was where I met Jesus, the Son of God, who was Himself a martyred God
granted a place at the right hand of the Father in Heaven as a reward for
willfully laying down His life for the greater good. Jesus was a revolutionary
with a message of Love as salvation and an end to blood sacrifice, but that
story got heavily obscured under the weight of His crucified form. Fundamentalist
tellings of Jesus’ death often play out like some kind of sadomasochistic word porn
for ascetics. All of his wounds, and there were many, are described in exacting
detail, which serves to solidify the sainthood of the martyr, while
simultaneously making it clear how utterly wretched the rest of us fall short. Shame
is too often the takeaway of fundamentalist Jesus, and it serves as the tinder
for many a righteous conflagration. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif;">Terrorism
and fundamentalism go hand in hand because to be Fundamentalist is to live in a
constant, sublimated state of absolute terror. Humans are not meant to live in
terror, and the natural response to this brutal exposure is a deep and powerful
rage paired with a side of nihilism. It is an extremely short trip from rage
and nihilism to ‘give me a vest and seventy virgins’ or ‘send me to war, Sarge,
and make me a hero.’</span></div>
Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-54680730082321106462016-04-16T21:10:00.000-05:002019-11-18T08:28:03.170-06:00About These Bathroom Bills<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Our country is currently in a heated debate over a
slew of legislation that aims to dictate, once again, just who is and isn’t
allowed to use the restroom in public. The brawl is brewing around our societal
understanding of gender. These laws are primarily being written and supported
by a segment of the population for whom gender is firmly binary, and who tend
to view any other expressions of gender with extreme distrust and disgust. Some
go so far as to call it ‘morally perverted’ to veer from what to them is an
obvious and static descriptor about the human race. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">These bills are purported to be about insuring the safety
of the general population, who are supposedly at risk of sexual attack if
forced to share a public bathroom with someone who presents as something ‘other
than their birth gender,’ which is based solely on genitalia and not the person
as a whole. There is no evidence presently available to support this
supposition of bathroom sexual violence, however, and we have been peeing with
Transgendered people for a while now, whether we knew it or not. I would go so
far as to hypothesize that the actual number of sexually violent offenders
amongst a random sample of Trans people would be much lower than the percentage
of sexual offenders found in a similar sized sampling of Cisgendered people. My
reasoning centers around the fact that Transgendered people are not in the
habit of volunteering information about the composition of their genitals, and most
actually find it incredibly rude when asked about them. The thought of publicly
exposing said genitals in a public space would not be high on any Trans person’s
list, much less forcing a sex act on someone with them. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Trans folk are terribly at risk of both sexual and
bodily harm in public bathrooms, though, make no mistake about it, and this law,
if enforced, would exponentially increase their risk of death or bodily injury by
forcing them to out themselves in order to comply. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">We are allowed to be deeply frightened or angered or
both, but that does not mean that every action we implement in response to our
emotion is warranted or inherently justifiable. In the end, what terrifies us
may not bother another in the least, and then it becomes a numbers game, as to
what is deemed socially appropriate and acceptable. It is all a matter of
perspective, and everyone gets to have theirs. I hope we can agree though, that
if our response endangers or adversely affects even a single fellow human, or,
god-forbid, an entire segment of the population, that we owe it to ourselves
and to society to freeze our actions and analyze our situation. Can we put into
words why we feel the way we do, why we are afraid? Can we have a conversation
about our fear without it devolving into shouting or violence? Have we ever met
or spoken with someone whose identity or belief system triggers our fear? If we
have, did we let them speak and could we hear them over our own fervently held
belief? </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Interestingly, this conversation is a non-issue with
the majority of the younger generations, due largely I believe, to the fact
that they have grown up with the internet and have been exposed to a multitude
of diverse and very real stories shared by their peers and complete strangers
alike. Story is absolutely magical in its power to unite us through shared
experience. It is a very difficult thing to truly listen to the lived
experience of a fellow human being and fail to find some place of connection and
relatability. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">How would you feel, in your fervently held belief,
if someone came up to you and said that what you believe is evidence to them of
a stunted intellect at best, and a mental illness at worst? You would understandably
be angry and defensive, so why is okay to say to a Transgendered person that they
are perverting a natural law by ‘messing’ with their gender and are suffering
from some dysfunction? In truth, it is a supremely arrogant act to declare to
another sentient, free-willed being that the way they are doing their life is
wrong. We have the right to share our ideas and to ask questions of people
whose ideas differ from our own, but it is never our right to tell another person
what is proper for them.</span><span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Transgendered people are simply PEOPLE with feelings, hopes
and dreams, families, jobs, stresses and worries, just like each of us. </span>
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A good rule for genitals
might be: if they don’t belong to us, our opinion about them doesn’t matter. </span>Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-45796905963975835642016-04-16T11:43:00.000-05:002016-04-16T11:50:37.632-05:00Deathbed<br />
<br />
<br />
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UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Sometimes I think about you on your deathbed and I
wonder if I’ll want to be there. The part of me that wants to hear you say it
is the most susceptible to wanting to be there, just in case, you know? The
part of me that gets to decide whether to grant you forgiveness while still on
this mortal coil, so you can take it with you to the gates of Heaven where it
may or may not make a difference when deciding your fate, that part isn’t
really sure if it wants to show up to be asked the question. That part, and the
small, squirming part that still wants to be in love with you (I will NEVER again
be in love with you) really want you to be a stand up person before then,
before the Hail Mary brought on by your secret fear of death, and for you to
simply say you are sorry. That you’d take it back if you could. That you
understand there is no such thing as it not happening, but you know now how
wrong you were and how much you hurt me<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">.</span> </span><br />
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">But your shame won’t let you say it, your shame won’t
even let you think it. You try your hardest NOT to think about it, but it is ALL
that you think about. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I know, because I have struggled under the weight of
my own shame, and I have been feral and drawn blood in my efforts to remain
blind and innocent. But there is no escape from this truth, it will haunt you
beyond your grave. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">There is so much freedom in saying it out loud.
Owning it and laying it down, taking the punishment and serving it out like a
reformation. This is not all there is to you, your shame. But your refusal to
graduate the lesson keeps you bound up in it, you’re choking on it, it’s the
thing that makes you a lie, the thing that haunts your soul and keeps you from ever
feeling rested. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">All of me believes in the Hail Mary though, even if
I don’t want necessarily to admit it to you. All of me believes in the power of a present
moment to immediately change a lifetime of *truth*. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">All of me believes in
mercy, because there is no such thing as perfection, there’s just learning or
not learning. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-53095920378435628392016-04-16T11:39:00.000-05:002016-04-16T11:39:46.691-05:00Everybody Loves Bacon<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">*caution* strong violence</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The day it all came flooding back, the day I
remembered, I indulged in a revenge fantasy. You'd have to know me to
understand how great a departure that is from my regular, but it even caught me
by surprise. 'The Day I Remembered' may be an overstatement, since in actuality
it took many, many years of focused effort to recall it. Total recall. Hah.
That's an inside joke on my present age and patriarchal upbringing. All you
need to know about it is that I revered and emulated some horseshit ideals for
entirely too long and for no other reason than that some serious brainwashing
brushed itself up against my good natured nature to believe.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Anyway, imagine my surprise as I sat myself down and
closed my eyes, all the better to set the scene, and what a horrific scene it
was, my revenge. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">You were tied to a chair uncomfortably under a naked
light bulb. You were fully clothed though, this isn't erotic, this is deadly
serious. The days of you being my hero and crush are finally, ok definitely
NOW, behind me. And Goddamn you for inserting yourself into that hardwired
primacy, you fucking motherfucker. Not your place or your call, but per the
usual that's news to you.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Back to this story, though. You're in a chair, tied
up and I decide that your face looks delicious. This is an odd thought for me
to have, because I am a squeamish carnivore. I don't enjoy the thought of
something dying, bleeding out, so that I can survive, but just at this moment I
have to admit there is nothing in this entire world that I would rather eat
than your face. So I walk up to you, and I remove your face with a knife. I am
interrupted in my flow by this question: do I render you unconscious before I
take your face or do I make you consciously endure the pain of its loss? I also
hate loud noises, not just death, so I opt to knock you out with an uppercut
that dislodges your atlas off of its axis before I take just the skin of your
face, leaving all your facial muscles intact. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I've got a skillet warmed with some grease. I take
the thin skin of your face to my cutting board and make strips, like bacon,
like pork jowl. When the temperature is right, I fry your face but make sure to
keep it tender in the middle, crispy on the edges, and guess what, it really
does kind of smell like bacon. My stomach gives a growl, just in response to
the stimulus of the odor. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">You're still not conscious as I sit down across from
you with my plate. Looks like we'll be testing out the theory then: can you
remember something that happens to you while you are in a state of
semi-consciousness? </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I have a strip of your face bacon in my hand and I
am about to eat it when another terrible idea interrupts my imagined vigilante
court proceedings: in order to consummate this particular revenge, I will have
to allow you, once again, into my body and then wait for you to exit my asshole
as a turd. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This is intolerable, all my pleasure at these
imagined dark deeds evaporates immediately and I open my eyes. You are not
seated across from me, and I can only pray that you still have your face. I am
suddenly swept up in a fierce heat wave, my whole body feels like it's run a
marathon on the hottest day of the summer and I am sweating profusely. Next
come the tears, from some mystery cavern I had hidden in my belly and they will
not stop, in fact they're multiplying and I am afraid that all that will be
left of me at the end of this is a dried out husk. At some point, the wondrous
machine that is my body begins to retch. I just let it, I let it all go, I'm
not even all here this is some kind of purging ritual that my body knows all
about and I'm just hanging onto it, loosely. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">God, bodies. They are so ridiculously messy, just
look at all this. Where did it even come from? I mean, I look like a decent
girl, most of the time, and this is some kind of nightmare sideshow thing. I
have to remind myself to breathe.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">After it all stops, after I am physically,
emotionally and spiritually exhausted, that's when I know for sure. I don't
want to eat your face or torture you or make you hurt and bleed. I just want
you to take responsibility and tell me you're sorry and mean it. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Bookman Old Style",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">In lieu of that, I peel myself out of the muck and
take myself to the shower. The rest I'll deal with later, no thanks to you. </span></div>
</span>Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8402683333281732223.post-84158342909793827512016-01-18T18:02:00.000-06:002017-09-30T09:12:53.250-05:00breadcrumbs<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">You
perpetrated an act and left the scene</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">status
intact, theft covered over</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">leaving
me to unbury the truth </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">with a
trail of clues</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>like</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">the way
my left foot curves inward</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">impotently
shielding my weakened feminine</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>or</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">the way
I always feel, deep inside,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">that
something only mine was</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">taken before
I even knew I had it</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>or</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">my habit
of giving myself away for free or very little,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">a
childish defense intended only to lessen what’s taken,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">not
realizing my power to <span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">make it stop</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">the fact
I believe I deserve</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">to live
lovelessly for acts I parroted in infantile rages,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">desiring
to destroy another as I had been destroyed</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>or</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">the
myriad ways I self-sabotage</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">a
self-prophesied, self-compromised almost ran</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif;">too
often conquered by her fears</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , serif; font-size: small; line-height: 107%;">The body has a memory of
things the mind can’t bear to see</span>Dreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053919214748352303noreply@blogger.com0