Sunday, November 12, 2017

Let It All Come, Let It All Go

This has certainly not been a favorite week in my life, but it may well be one of the most cathartic and healing.  

I went briefly out of town, and came home to a great sense of unease. I am now aware of the fact that an ex-‘partner’ of mine used my blog as a platform to assassinate my character, which has been an ongoing thing since I broke off our relationship. This is the second attempt by this person, of which I am aware, to undermine my professional reputation and my ability to earn a living, for the record.

I made a goal of working on my naivety, and boy, has the universe delivered. I have recently changed the comment settings on my blog to alert me when someone posts, sure could have used that eight days ago. By the time I registered that a comment had been made, its author had taken it down. I have yet to read it, and part of me is truly grateful for that. I have certainly known I have been under attack, but I was unaware of the specific charges levied against me. Hence, my silence. Sometimes, the strongest thing you can do is to sit or stand in your own integrity, and wait.

I am now aware of a few of the things with which I have been charged, although I have yet to have a straightforward conversation about what was written with anyone.

Let me begin by stating that I unequivocally deny the existence of any physical violence in my former relationship. While I will own bouts of explosive anger, I will also own that I found ways to direct my anger away from people. I am proud of the way I loved; this does not belong to me.

I ended our relationship a little over two years ago, and yes, I have been trying to date. Dating has been complicated by two major factors: the general youth of the single population where I live, and the fact that I am, for the first time in thirty plus years, not sublimated about my childhood sexual trauma. I have never had sex, being fully aware of what happened to me; I haven’t been able to, even though I have wanted to and have made some clumsy attempts to make that happen. There is nothing like sexual trauma to creep yourself out, and my story is complicated by the fact that I was also condemned publicly as a rapist, and it was true, inasmuch as a raped, uncounseled child can be a rapist to another child. What I do know is my behavior was damaging, regardless of any other factor, and that I have damaged real people, and I cannot ever be sorry enough for the harm I have caused them.  

I have been carrying the weight of this word around in my belly, internalizing it, believing it while remaining unaware of the particulars of what I did. That leaves me at a distinct disadvantage in the arena of defending myself, so I often just feel creepy about myself. There have been several times during the last two years of meeting people, where I have just been flooded by these feelings, and then kind of emitted them to whomever I was with. For the same reasons I am writing my defense without ever seeing my charges, I can often feel what people around me are feeling; sometimes, they are feeling me feeling creepy and then being awkward, which creeps them out in actuality, and I don’t blame them. But that doesn’t make me a creeper.

I have been putting myself out here publicly, calling for change on a topic of which I am a part, and not always, historically, in a positive way. I have been waiting for the possibility that someone from my past may find me and confront me, but what has just happened, is not that; what has just happened is an attack on my character fueled by an ex-‘partner’ who refuses to accept my ‘no’ and move on.

To all of the friends who have stood with me through this, I give all the thanks and love in the world. To all of the people with whom I have the privilege of working, I remain myself and am available, should you need to ask me anything about these allegations.

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